The Promise of Inner-Healing

Inevitably and unfortunately, we will all at some point in our lives, become wounded and damaged by the callousness and ignorance of life, others and even ourselves. We can either build up walls within us and live haunted by those wounds, blocking the self and life we’ve always wanted, or we can learn to heal.

Hurt people, hurt people

Our society has come to an awareness clearer than in generations past, that hurt people, hurt people. That the wounds and pains within us, drive our acts of violence and neglect towards ourselves and the wounding of others. And we are beginning to understand that unhealed traumas bury deep in our subconscious and affect our relationships, our experiences and most importantly, our quality of life.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to let our inner wounds and walls block us from living the life and being the person we’ve always wanted, if we can understand that we have one powerful tool in our arsenal that promises inner freedom – our ability to heal.

What does it mean to heal?

The act of healing is to make healthy and whole again. It’s the soothing balm that helps our cuts mend and our heart recover.

It is the process of acknowledging and integrating wounds and traumas so that we may live a life in the present, free from the shackles of the past. It is a process and path chosen willingly and freely, and it involves from my perspective and experience: first, an awareness that healing is necessary, and second, the choice to heal.

A personal journey

It is estimated that between 3.3 million to 10 million children are exposed to domestic violence each year. I make up part of this statistic as I grew up in a home that experienced domestic violence from toddler to teenager. Because of this experience, I carried with me for many years into adulthood, feelings of insecurity, anxiety, betrayal, fear, rage. These feelings externally manifested in my interactions and relationships with family, friends and potential partners, as I experienced everything through the filter and heavy baggage of my early childhood experiences.

Without an understanding of the damage done on the inside, I neglected my inner wounds and allowed my defense mechanisms to completely take over. Whenever I felt out of place, nervous, scared or uncomfortable, I defensively detached from my emotions and hid my truth deeply inside. Behind a mask of formality and politeness, my wounded parts felt safe at the expense of my authentic self where my true feelings and emotions were effectively out of reach.  I became a master at keeping a distance and keeping most everything, including people I loved, at bay. I became overly formal and reserved when I really wanted to be warm and loving. I was indifferent and silent when I really wanted to engage, speak freely and shine. I was angry and controlling when I really wanted to be composed and free-flowing.

This defensive persona became so ingrained in my way of being, that at times, I couldn’t differentiate between my wounded self and the true me.

Eventually, I started to feel burnt-out, exhausted, confused and deeply disconnected from my emotions and my desired life. I longed for change, to know myself again, but how?

“Awareness is the greatest agent for change”

~Eckhart Tolle, author of “A New Earth: Awakening to your Life’s Purpose”

It was this deep questioning and desire to reconnect with all of the lost and broken pieces and my openness for answers that allowed the epiphany of awareness to inspire me and move me towards ACTION.

This new awareness allowed me to understand that in order for me to reconnect with who I was again, I first needed go back to where I feared to go – the past. Not to re-experience it again, but so I could collect and then release, the layers upon layers of trauma and hurt I had knowingly and unknowingly allowed myself to use like a shield, a wall, a convenient scapegoat in life.

In essence, I needed to heal – the one thing I was too scared and never gave myself a chance to do.

The choice to heal – practical steps

It is never too late to be who you might’ve been. ~George Elliott

Once I recognized what was required of me, the path of healing became clear and I was energized by the potential for evolving beyond victim-hood and finally growing into the powerful, truly unique, creative self I was meant to be (we’re all meant to be).

If this is where you are now, I admire your bravery for a deeply transformative journey lies ahead.

We will explore the topic of healing often but for now, as you walk this path, remember three very important things: 1. you don’t have to walk this path alone, allow others to walk it with you; 2. choose a healing modality that resonates with you, even if it diverts from the traditional methods and most importantly, 3. what you gain is dependent on your level of wholehearted commitment, courage and compassion.

Trusted Guides – you don’t have to walk the path alone

No matter how hard we rebel against this idea, we all need human connection. We are human after all and when it comes to the healing journey, more so. Which is why one of the most significant decisions you will need to make on this journey, is who will walk it with you – if anyone. Healing work can be done alone, if that is your genuine wish, but it will be significantly more bearable and may take less time, if you allow a trusted guide to walk with you, by your side. A trusted therapist, counselor, a highly trusted, stable mentor/coach/friend/family member or a trusted group, are all examples of trusted guides. The keyword here is “trusted”, someone you hold in high regard.

The gift of a trusted guide during this period is profound. Allowing trusted guides to share this journey with you, is one of the most deeply healing gifts you can allow yourself to receive during this time. When the dark moments come, and they will come, and when you falter and want to give up, your trusted guides will be there to pick you up, to anchor you, to love you, and to gently urge forward.

I chose my close-knit family members and a trusted group with the same experiences as me to walk this journey with, until I was ready to continue forward on my own. I cannot express strongly enough, the incredible gift I received simply, by the presence of my trusted guides during my deeply healing years.

Healing Modality – choose the one that works for you

Choosing a healing modality is about selecting a practice that works and resonates with you. Whether you choose the more traditionally certified routes of one-on-one counseling, professional therapy, or perhaps the more alternative, holistic routes like healing retreats, hypnotherapy, group/art/creative therapy, Earth/nature/eco-healing or any other method or combination of methods, know there is no wrong answer to which modality you choose, as long as it resonates with you.

Allow your intuition to guide you here. Most important is that you do your research and use discernment in finding the one(s) that feel right. I chose a combination of methods that included healing retreats, informal creative therapy, and Earth healing because I felt that the traditional routes, didn’t resonate with me as deeply.

Once you’ve decided on the healing modality and guides you wish to walk with you on your healing journey, the next step is all about the big Cs – commitment, courage, compassion.

Commitment, Courage, Compassion – don’t give up

In this step, you may be asked to confront or re-experience difficult events; you may be asked to be open and vulnerable to an uncomfortable degree; or you may be asked to offer compassion and/or grant forgiveness to yourself and/or to an offender in order to release trauma. Again, your discernment and intuition is key in how this part of your journey manifests and whether it moves deeply in a short amount of time or stretched through time. Most important is not to give up. Keep going, you will get to the other side, I promise. My healing journey was stretched out through many, many dedicated years, each year digging deeper and deeper into my issues until I emerged at the end of the tunnel stronger, clearer, me.

For many, this process may feel just as slow, painful and deeply uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid of the potential hard work ahead. Unhealed traumas and wounds run deep and become entrenched when they’ve been unattended or ignored for years. The deeper the hurt, the harder and longer the process of healing may take. The time it takes to heal however, depends entirely on you. However long it takes, just keep going. Bit by bit, you’ll start to feel and recognize the changes in yourself. Be courageous and commit to your path, it will be worth it. And remember to give yourself a break. Be compassionate and gentle with yourself, healing is a tremendously challenging and transformative process which is why not many walk this path. Allow yourself to move forward the best way that resonates with you and be proud of being brave enough to walk it.

Recap – healing as the path

First the healing process begins with an awareness that something must change. That sometimes gnawing awareness comes from a deep dissatisfaction, a disconnection between who you are and who you know you’re meant to be or a deep hurt you no longer wish to feel. When you get there, give yourself a pat on the back and hold on to that awareness. It’s not easy to recognize when you’ve become aware a change is needed. Congratulations to you if you’re at this point.

Next, select trusted guides on your journey that you can count on. They will provide the stability and accountability you will need. You don’t have to walk this path alone. Allow others to walk it with you, by your side.

Find a healing modality or modalities that work for you through research, discernment and intuition. Trust that you will know which one will work best for you even if it’s non-traditional.

As you begin your healing process, this is your time to be open, committed, fully honest, persevering, brave and compassionate. The more open and honest you are, the more powerful the process and the outcome. And remember, this is a heart-based act, allow grace and compassion to guide you – there is no blame anymore, only growth and change.

Be aware that you may throw internal obstacles in your own path (i.e self-sabotage). You may try to stop yourself from proceeding forward by making excuses or justifying away the actions of offenders (including yourself). You may minimize your traumas and wounds, or you may go back to ignoring the problems at hand. Don’t allow yourself to fall for any of the obstacles you throw in front of your path. Stay focused, stay clear on what you want to achieve and keep going! The path might be long and winding, and you may take several steps forward and several steps backwards many many times. Be responsible for who you want to become and own the path – keep going!

If you recall nothing else, remember this: the promise of healing is freedom – your inner freedom, and you have the power to choose that freedom for yourself anytime. My hope is that you choose to make the next years of your life purely and powerfully yours, and not the wounded parts of you.

If we all showed up, having done the healing work – whole, present, powerful, and fully creative, what kind of life would we live? What kind of world would we create if we led from our inner freedom rather than from our wounds and fears?

In your corner always, wishing you the best on your path towards healing. Love, ~Carmen

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Image Source: Elia Pellegrini (Unsplash)