I Was Never Late (Substack Writings)

What if the feeling of being “behind” in life isn’t actually the truth but a story shaped by circumstances, society’s milestones, and even ourselves? Here’s what I discovered about my own version of being late.

Feeling Behind

For years I tried to make sense of these challenging dreams that would wake me up in a panic. And I could never make sense of it. Until now.

I’m a big fan of dream interpretations because of what Carl Jung says about dreams here: “dreams are direct, symbolic expressions of the psyche attempting to balance itself, tapping into a collective unconscious filled with universal archetypes.”

And that makes profound sense to me.

Because as I was reflecting on the reasons for these dreams, I started combing through the long stretch of my life, looking for the places where I had actually been late. And what I discovered surprised me. I couldn’t actually find any major areas of my life where I had directly put myself behind.

In fact, I discovered something completely different: I’ve always been right on time.

How do I know? Because I’m here. And I feel like I’m right on time, right now.

And as I keep reflecting on those dreams, I realized a profound inner trajectory. Those dreams weren’t just tapping into the feeling of “being late”, they were tapping into the ways in which life and even ourselves, make us feel behind or late when we really aren’t.

When Life Changes Your Timeline

I’ve written before about feeling swept away by collective events. On September 11th, 2001, I knew my life would take a hard turn. I was a newly commissioned, bright-eyed military member, and that day, it was made clear my life would never be the same again.

For years, I felt trapped in a never-ending cycle of intense deployments, demanding, stressful work, challenging circumstances and heavy, unsafe environments — constantly operating under high stress and fear from the enemy out there and the enemy within the ranks.

I fared much better than many of my military peers, but still suffered nonetheless, in my own way for years. And while I was deeply embedded in these intense, heavy cycles of life, I would look around and see my civilian family, friends and peers enjoying a much more carefree and lighter experience. And I wished I was there too.

Perhaps it was then that I started to feel left behind.

When Society Tells You You’re Behind

Then society’s milestones and expectations knocked on my door.

You know the kind of milestones and expectations we’re brought up with — the ones operating from some invisible clock that tell you that by a certain age, you should be married, have children, have a certain level of education, own a house, have a career, and eventually retire and so on….

Or the expectations that you should always aspire to be driven and ambitious, constantly hustling, constantly climbing the ladder so you can reach a certain status within a certain timeframe. No breaks in between, no delays, no detours.

We’re all too familiar with these milestones. The all-too-perfect timelines that don’t take into account real life — complex, messy or even take into account what your inner compass actually desires.

But society never stops to ask if those timelines fit you, or if you fit them.

And when you don’t have those things in exactly the order or timeline dictated, you feel that ever-increasing pressure to accommodate, to rush, to move faster, to judge yourself — sometimes against your own inner guidance and who you are becoming.

When You Keep Yourself Behind

Then something happens. You start to believe you’re actually late. That you’re actually behind. And you start to disconnect from your inner compass and follow what’s out there, instead of what’s within.

For me that meant control and perfectionism, as I attempted to move through life perfectly so no more time could be taken from me. And I started to misuse my own energy, focusing on things I felt I could control as a way of regaining ownership of my timeline.

But that had me using my energy in places that caused me more anxiety and stress rather than joy or ease. It had me becoming too rigid with time. Not allowing peace, or rest, or happy, sometimes messy, creative detours that are sprinkled on your path to help you reconnect with your soul again.

And I started to harden and to deplete myself by trying to control something that was never meant to be perfect or controlled.

I Was Never Late

So no wonder my dreams of being late plagued me for years.

The dreams weren’t a warning I was behind as I understood it, they were clues to the layers of timelines I had absorbed and I was measuring myself against, even subconsciously.

When I understood that recently, it then clicked that perhaps what my dreams were trying to tell me was not that I was late to life, but late to myself — to the beat of my own drum.

So rather than trying to catch up to something I couldn’t really catch up to: to the me before the collective circumstances, to the timelines I was given that weren’t mine, to using control and perfection to find my way I needed to do the only thing I could do, to live, with the time, energy and resources I was given.

Perhaps that’s what my subconscious had been trying to tell me for years.

Not that I was behind, but that I was spending too much energy trying to catch up to something I couldn’t. Rather than experiencing myself and life as it was meant to be experienced: organically, creatively, soulfully, and inwardly guided.

Today, I know that. Today, I know that as I follow what I’m called toward, the life I have (and want) is in my hands. And no timeline change or societal expectations can ever take that away.

And that’s a freeing thought. Because it feels less sternly bound by time and more tenderly held by life — creative, vibrant life.

So even if circumstances impact it again, or I’m tempted to follow inherited timelines, or I find myself in phases of control or perfectionism again, I know how to settle into what I know now: I’m not late. I’m right on time. It’s my life to shape and I have all the tools and the time I need.

To the time we have. ~ C 🤍

How do you handle feeling behind or late in life? 

Feel free to share. I’d love to hear from you!